Could you pass any U.S. citizenship test?

Could you pass any U.S. citizenship test?

By Tony Norman, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Beginning in October 2008, the naturalization test for those seeking U.S. citizenship will be a lot harder. Immigration advocates are outraged, but those who fear losing the country's identity to waves of immigrants are pleased. (Click here to see the new test; Adobe Reader required.)

Maybe I'm becoming more conservative in my old age, but the only problem I have with the redesigned naturalization test is that it isn't mandatory for the folks already here.

Somehow, it doesn't seem fair that the only people sufficiently motivated to be good Americans by studying our democratic traditions and history are those trying to become Americans.

In their zeal to prove their worthiness, would-be citizens promise to do all sorts of un-American things like vote regularly and willingly serve on juries without trying to wiggle out of it.

But let's be brutally honest. The folks who used to sweat over the old test's trivia questions like "what are the colors of the flag?" and those designed to trick them like "what are the duties of Congress?" (answer: Congress has duties?) don't possess the intellectual firepower demanded of newly minted Americans.

It's always been understood, though not chiseled in constitutional stone, that as a nation we're not interested in naturalizing citizens who are dumber than the people already here. It would lead to a critical mass of stupidity.

Judging by the success of late night talk show pranks that regularly explore the depths of American credulity in hilarious man-in-the-street interviews, we know we already have enough citizens who would blithely sign petitions "ending women's suffrage."

The whole point of immigration from an American perspective in the 21st century is to restock the national gene pool with smart foreigners who have no idea how dumb we would be if left to our own devices.

The old elementary school-level test has been replaced by one that assumes a capacity for critical and abstract thought. Though not exactly a poll tax, you still have to be smarter than a fifth-grader to answer a few of them. Here are three out of 100 questions on the test:

48) "There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them."

50) "What are two rights only for United States citizens?"

63) "How was a shooting incident involving Vice President Dick Cheney similar to one involving Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton two centuries earlier?"

(OK, that last question was an old-fashioned American lie. Get used to it.)

If the U.S. government ever gets the constitutional authority to make the naturalization test a requirement for maintaining American citizenship, we could expect to see the population thinned to what it was before the Vikings arrived.

Though far more rigorous than it once was, the test still doesn't get to the heart of what it means to be an American. The following questions would bring a much needed dimension of realism to the test:

Answer the following specious conspiracy theories. True or False:

a) Iraq planned and executed the events of Sept. 11, 2001.

b) A war against Iran will be resolved quickly to the strategic advantage of the U.S. and its allies.

c) The Democrats have an alternative to Mr. Bush's foreign policy disasters that doesn't involve growing a backbone.

Should English remain the official language of America regardless of the evolution of all languages to telepathy by, say, 3010? What if the Grand Council of Alpha Centauri decides to go to war with Earth to impose a universal tongue on all sentient life in the name of galactic unity? Should America fight the galactic hordes?

Is it possible to be both a patriot and a skeptic about the War on Terror? Do you know anyone who claims to be both? Please supply addresses and phone numbers.

Are agnosticism and atheism patriotic? Should Satanists have the same rights as Southern Baptists and Presbyterians?

Should America be considered a suburb of heaven? Which one -- Christian or Muslim?

If you answered the previous questions correctly and you're from an Islamic country, for extra credit and a get-out-of-Guantanamo-free card: Where is Osama bin Laden? When did you last speak with him? How familiar are you with the badlands of Pakistan?

The final question is worth the price of American citizenship if answered correctly:

What famous radical currently loitering on a pedestal in New York harbor is known for the following dangerous pre-9/11 sentiment?

Give me your tired, your poor
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift up my lamp beside the golden door.